Thinking of a Halloween costume? Pick something Ghoul!

This Halloween, I’m dressing as a giant cough drop. It’s either that, a box of tissues, or a six-pack of Robitussin. Halloween offers us a time to make a personal statement while masked and covered hair to toenails in bed sheets or leathers. My statement will be punctuated by coughing and salt water gargling if this cold hangs on. I suspect, from folks sneezing and wheezing around town, we could meet on a corner of Sheridan Street and jointly trick-or-treat as a pharmacy. But, enough whining.

While Halloween is traditionally a time to show off our inner Popeye or Catwoman, Glinda the Good Witch or Waldo, we adults could make this an ironic, comedic, personally expressive costume year.

The rollergirls from DaRanged come costume-ready with face paint, fishnets, hot uniforms and oh, those muscles—and since they know how to throw a zombie party, these bad girls are ready for Halloween 365 days a year.

What’s black and white and read all over? My idea for Mayor Ross Petersen’s newspaper-mache jumpsuit includes a bright red Valentine printed across the front. Mr. Mayor, we know that under that brash exterior you really love us all—maybe like us—er, can perhaps tolerate us. We understand that it’s tough having strong personal opinions, yet always be expected to exhibit your best mayoral self in public. We could be even more understanding if you handed out Godiva chocolates.

We have a Back to the Future Marty McFly jacket waiting for developer John Ott, who plans to restore the State Theater, adjacent buildings and the former Tanner Hospital in Ely. That old theater is where, as a teenager, I saw Goldfinger, Mary Poppins and A Hard Day’s Night. I remember the smell of the popcorn, the sounds of the newsreels and my mom’s friend, who busted me sitting with a boy’s arm around me. (Too much information?) If the result of Mr. Ott’s efforts is a working theater in Ely, I’d personally buy him a Batman costume next year. Or a Top Gun flight suit, a Jedi robe. Oh heck, I’ll offer the super hero duds of his choice.

Members of the Ely Tourism Bureau must appear decked out in the theme of one of their 2014 April Fools joke Ely Cable TV shows. If I’m not costumed as a cough drop, I pick Scat Tracker. But plenty of opportunities are left: the towel-draped representative of Sauna Wars, the mukluk-wearing Real Housewives of St. Louis County and raggedy- bearded yahoos of the Loon Dynasty crowd.

Librarian Rachel Heinrich and her crew, who are soon to inhabit the new Ely Library, could come as their favorite banned books. Ely-Winton Historical Society volunteers have a myriad of costumes at hand: miner, soldier, logging camp cook, potica maker, or those ladies driving the moose-drawn carriage. Others—and you know who you are—might appear dressed as Dorothy Molter or Sigurd Olson, and more far-flung Minnesotans like Judy Garland and Prince.

Here’s some advice for folks who would rather not answer the door when the trick or treating starts. Buy a bag of candy, turn on the porch light, but be true to yourself: come grumpy. How about the guy on the bridge in Edvard Munch’s iconic The Scream. And Walter Matthau or Jack Lemmon in the movie Grumpy Old Men. Most of the lines from that movie are too risque for a family newspaper, but I do remember a guy saying, “We got a problem, sir. Looks like someone barricaded the door.”

Halloween is the perfect holiday for grouchy people. Put a fire-breathing dragon on the lawn. Or headstones with the names of your troublesome friends carved on them. The scoop on pumpkins is that you can slice and dice one to mock the neighbor’s barking dogs, the guy who threw up on your lawn or the old bat you’ve been wanting to insult from afar.

I saw a video of one fella who used a recording of his boss flying off the @#$% handle in a very recognizable voice to greet guests on Halloween. Not something I’d recommend if you want to stay employed. But there’s always the witch’s nasty cackle, howling wolf, owl hoot and ghostly groan, or if you’re really mean, the swarming bees. Just be careful that the bell doesn’t toll for you.

And have some fun. One of my favorite costumes was worn by a guy who wore a tee-shirt with “LIFE” printed on the front. He went around handing out lemons to strangers.