David Colburn

After witnessing the dumbfounding spectacle of break dancing as an Olympic sport in Paris, I’ve decided that it’s high time that the North Country make a bid to host the quadrennial Games so that we can use the local option to include two sports that are equally, if not more deserving of a place on the world stage – walleye fishing and endurance sauna sitting.
We’d certainly be poised to dominate the medal podium in walleye fishing, being the mecca of the sport as we are. And it wouldn’t be the first time that an Olympic sport was based on human pursuit of creatures with pea-sized brains – after all, Paris introduced pigeon shooting to the Games in 1900, and it was far less challenging than walleye fishing. Just aim and shoot – the darned birds certainly weren’t as wily as a walleye, and they were fluttering there in plain sight, not hiding in weeds or under submerged logs.
Imagine a flotilla of the world’s greatest anglers deployed on the glassy surface of Lake Vermilion or Kabetogama Lake engaged in the ultimate test of skill, patience, and unrelenting optimism as they matched wits with the North Country’s most prized prey. Rather than merely substituting live pigeons for clay in a glorified game of target practice, walleye fishing requires a deep understanding of aquatic ecosystems, knowledge of lures, and the fortitude to endure hours of casting and retrieval in the hope of landing a trophy catch.
Beyond mere reliance on physical strength or speed, walleye fishing demands a strategic mind and an ability to adapt to changing conditions. Mental acuity is more important than physical prowess, as anglers must constantly make decisions about where to fish, what lure to use, and how to reel in their catch, all while competing against other skilled anglers and the unpredictable nature of the fish itself.
And the sport would open the Olympics up to competitors most would consider to be past their athletic prime. Pudgy, myopic, beer-guzzling sexagenarians like me would have a fighting shot at the Olympic glory that eluded us as dreamy-eyed junior-high hurdlers. Age could be a real advantage here, unlike in presidential politics.
And in the same way technology has been brought to bear on creating better and faster bobsleds and sailing boats, making walleye fishing an Olympic sport could usher in a whole new age of technological sophistication that would trickle down to the masses with new high-tech rods, lures, boats and electronics, giving all anglers a better chance at having an Olympic-sized take on a weekend vacation to the lake.
Yes, walleye fishing surely deserves Olympic recognition alongside break dancing and pigeon shooting, and so, too, does endurance sauna sitting.
This one is perhaps more of a stretch to conceive of as an Olympic sport – rowing is a sport executed while sitting on one’s butt, but there is an extreme amount of exertion in propelling the boat from Point A to Point B. Even bobsledding, which after a short sprinting push turns all the work over to gravity, involves the skills of driving, balance, and braking (not breaking).
But endurance has always been part of the modern Olympic Games – both the marathon and the decathlon demand extreme endurance from athletes. Well, so too would enduring the heat of a toasty sauna.
Forget about the grueling 26.2 miles of a marathon or the endless laps in a swimming pool we’re accustomed to seeing. True endurance would be measured in minutes – minutes spent in a sweltering box where the only real competition is your own sweat glands and the will to stay conscious.
Like the best of Olympic sports, endurance sauna sitting would require extraordinary stamina and determination. “Saunathletes,” to coin a term, must prepare themselves not just physically, but mentally, to endure the searing heat and stay in the sauna longer than their opponents. The intensity of this sport lies not in running faster or lifting heavier but in outlasting everyone else in the sauna—one bead of sweat at a time. In athletics it’s common for athletes to talk about “bringing the heat” – endurance sauna sitting ditches the glib talk for real action. Well, more inaction than action, really, but you get the point.
Including endurance sauna sitting would recognize a cultural phenomenon over 2,000 years old, a history far richer and more glorious than the handful of decades people have been break dancing. If curling can make it into the Olympics because people in cold climates love sweeping ice, then surely sauna sitting deserves a spot, too. It’s a sport that embraces cultural practice and competitive spirit, much like how curling bridges the gap between household chores and intense athletic focus.
Of course, we’ve seen the damage one unorthodox competitor can do to a “sport” in Paris with the abysmal performance of Australian break dancer Raygun, who didn’t earn a single point but earned her place in internet meme history for her truly bizarre performance. It’s hard to imagine what sort of rogue athletes we might see in Olympic walleye fishing or endurance sauna sitting, but you can give your imagination a workout while waiting for the next fish to bite or relaxing in the sauna.
The venues for upcoming Olympic Games have already been determined through 2034, but that’s a good thing, as staging the Olympics is a monumental undertaking that takes much preparation. Given the current challenges we have of getting basic trails completed, we can use the extra time, and we’ll have to up our game considerably to have a successful bid. We could use the relatively new facilities at Mesabi East for track and field events, rehab the old OSB factory near Cook for a gymnastics venue, hold fencing and weightlifting at the Iron Trail Motors Event Center in Virginia, and turn the old school in Cook into the Olympic village for athletes (and saunathletes). We have the basic infrastructure – what we need now is the willpower to elevate two of our most treasured regional activities to the level of worldwide competition they so richly deserve. Hard work makes the dream work – let’s all join hands and get this done – viva Olympics!