Kathleen McQuillan

One evening while washing dishes, I happened to hear a radio broadcast of a conversation between Kai Ryssdal, host of Marketplace, and a renowned financial guru. The interview was about a lesser-known method to manage household finances than the predominant American model summarized by the familiar adage, “What’s mine is yours and yours is mine.”
This line comes from a scene in William Shakespeare’s play, “Measure for Measure,” where the Duke proposes marriage to Isabelle. As is true with many a phrase that first appeared in the works of Shakespeare, this one stuck, and remains an unspoken element of many a marriage contract.
Despite my not being a regular listener to the show, this conversation perked my interest. Ryssdal’s guest reported that a growing number of couples are choosing to keep their finances separate rather than merging them as is still the more common practice. He referenced studies showing that this non-traditional system might actually be increasing the longevity of partnered relationships when, for several decades divorce rates have been rising. Although some states have specific laws that grant rights and dictate certain aspects of how marital assets must be handled, considerable data indicate that when each party maintains individual control over their personal resources conflicts are reduced and other positive effects within the relationship result. The guest expert went on to extoll the benefits afforded by this less conventional system. I was surprised to hear many of his examples validating my own personal experience.
For nearly 40 years, my husband and I have managed our individual income and assets separately. After years of tweaking our system, we enjoy the freedom to spend and save our own incomes as we see fit, while also reliably covering shared expenses and obligations.
For both of us, ours was a second marriage. We’d previously experienced the “traditional” method in which we and our then spouses merged our money into the proverbial “shared pot.” We drew money out routinely for needs like rent, taxes, and utilities, as well as individual purchases that we might later have to justify. Furniture, clothing, tools, trips in the car, and even groceries would oftentimes lead to conflict. We were living in that murky world of “who has the last say” on what’s important. The world around money soon felt like quicksand, sucking us and our relationship downward. Resentments festered and eventually the damage became irreparable. Neither John nor I ever wanted to experience that again. Consequently, we were both slow to remarry, unaware of other options.
Studies show “money conflicts” number among the top three reasons why marriages fail. (Communication issues and infidelity are most often cited as the other two.) Ryssdal’s guest made a convincing case that “merging our money” might be a major contributor to failure. Sadly, we seldom discuss these matters. Like an unwritten taboo, we avoid talking with others about “how we do money.”
I decided to muster some courage. For the purpose of providing a public service, let’s break the silence for a brief moment and explore the topic further. I’d like to share a closer look at a few simple things that my spouse and I have done to significantly reduce our tensions around money management. When we were just starting out with our relationship, there was no “how-to” guide — only our fears of repeating past failures — what not to do.
The research shows that money conflicts occur in households across all income brackets. John and I started out very poor by most people’s standards. And the arrival of children didn’t make our financial situation any easier. Distinguishing between “needs” and “wants” was always of concern. We both needed to develop the skills and self-discipline to successfully live within our means. We knew we needed to work as team. But as is true in most budding relationships, we were faced with “unknowns” about each other including, “How will we be with seeing eye-to-eye?”
Our decision-making styles, spending habits, and levels of impulse control can vary widely. And one of the most sensitive areas of all is that of “power and control.” In my previous marriage, these were the places where tempers would flare. In our nascent money management system, John and I found a clear and peaceful path through those “mine fields” by relying on the concept of “separate and equal.”
Making agreements and keeping them became cornerstones to our success. We discovered that holding monthly house meetings was a great way to keep the lines of communication open. At each meeting, we review our past agreements and identify upcoming expenses that require mutual attention. Record-keeping is also an essential shared task. We keep receipts for our individual expenditures, identify those that effect us mutually, calculate “which are mine and which are shared” prior to the meeting, review and discuss them together, and “settle up” over money owed to the other for items deemed “necessary shared purchases,” most often food and household supplies. Major purchases with shared use, such as appliances, household improvements, and equipment or tools, always receive prior discussion. That gives each of us the opportunity to weigh in and negotiate whether it’s a shared or individual need or want. This eliminates arguments over who’s responsible for that expense while freeing that person their right to purchase it with their own money.
All decisions, agreements, and transactions discussed are jotted down in a notebook, recorded verbatim and if important, we both sign our names and date it. This has proven to be one of the most valued tools in our system. If a disagreement arises later, there’s no debate over “who said what.” We just turn to the “little green book” and the problem is resolved, sparing us an argument!
Like every couple, we have our ups and downs. There are always new and unexpected challenges. Balancing work and family was an ever-present stressor that worsened when financial times were rough. Shared core values helped us cope during hard times. They aided in adapting to change as we reset priorities, found solutions for problems, and adjusted our financial expectations.
A firm trust and willingness to talk things through have been invaluable to finding agreement. By each managing our own money, we’ve honed our individual financial management skills that has increased the knowledge, confidence and respect we bring to the shared task of managing the household’s finances.
Money has never been used as leverage or control in our relationship. We appreciate the security of knowing what resources we have within our personal control while trusting that our spirit of cooperation will continue to cover the core expenses we’ve agreed to share. Since operating within our financial model built on personal independence and mutual cooperation, we can honestly say that we have never argued about money.
Our system may not be for everyone, but with all the challenges that can threaten a partnered relationship, we’re grateful that conflicts over money will not likely be one of them.