Scarlet Stone

Mid-July has arrived and as you look into the ditches along the roadsides, you see tall, spiky clusters of pink and purple wildflowers adding vibrance to the landscape. Fireweed is in season again and so is my column writing, after a six-month break. I’m hoping my columns, like fireweed, can once again add some color here and there, a chuckle and perhaps bring a nod from someone who can relate to what I’m writing about.

My wonderful travels to Ireland, Scotland and Wales in the past couple years fulfilled long sought-after travel goals and brought so much joy and a multitude of fresh experiences. However, upon returning home from such heights, my life seemed pale in comparison. I’d gone through another divorce and was lonely. I have always been the gal who looks forward to festive events, the life of a party. My mother used to tell me, “Life isn’t always fun you know, sometimes it’s just plain old life.” Well, I never liked that saying. My mom, a non-drinking schoolteacher treated herself once-in-a-blue moon, while I treat on a daily basis! It might be with an ice cream cone, a ride in the country to see fireweed and other lovelies or go out to bars to have cocktails.
I did not become aware of having any issues with how alcohol affected my behavior and interaction with other people until about nine years ago while sitting at an outdoor bar in Ely. A somewhat distant friend said, “Some people have told me you say things that are mean when you drink, but I have never experienced that with you.” Wow, what the hell I thought....not realizing at that time her words were a gift. I was absolutely shocked and had no idea that I was hurting people’s feelings with things that I said. I would justify such occurrences by saying to myself, “You’re fine Scar...unless provoked, or so-and-so needed to hear the truth, or they had it coming.” I liked alcohol more than the idea of life without any....so I decided to simply try harder to control my drinking by counting straws or switching to spritzers. I would succeed for a while and then when reason was affected by drink, circumstances and mood, I would want to achieve higher “lift-off” and switch to hard liquor to light the engines. I rarely would leave a bar after two or three drinks as I’ve been a binge drinker...indulging two or three times a week but never back-to-back. In my three plus decades I have only had one DUI, have a few blackened feathers in my hat for disorderly conduct plus the knowledge of what a set of cuffs feels like in the back of a squad car. “Well behaved women rarely make history.” I don’t go halfway with anything I’m passionate about....and was born with a loaded color crayon box with extra colors to deal with. I guess that’s the best way to describe it, or I am a pack of Fourth of July fireworks with some extra powder packed in the top of each cylinder.  Mom would say, “In the cookie dough of life, you are a chocolate chip.” We are what we are….ya get what ya get.
Some might cringe at my openness on the subject of my alcohol use disorder (the newest politically correct term)...or just being a drunk.... but if you have been a reader of my columns you know I don’t shy away from talking about anything. I now consider it possibly a responsibility to help others gain understanding, self-acceptance, forgiveness, honesty and give unproductive things like guilt and shame a toss. Don’t be thinking I am gearing up to start a ministry of being a church luncheon speaker after reading this column.  
Bars became theatrical backdrops for dressing up, singing, “letting it rip”.... and in firecracker style with red hair blazing and hats or beads flying, I could at times, slip from spectator status to being a spectacle. The saying, “Go big or go home” was a favorite. Many patrons through the years hoped it was the later, as I was known to loudly sing “Happy Holidays” on the Fourth of July or Halloween or any day. I had lots of fun....until I didn’t.
Like everyone else, I too was born with obsessive traits. In my twenties it was lusting for sewing fabric and affordable antiques. The thirties yielded buying the “staples” in life such as charger plates, napkin rings and clothes that sometimes never had the tags cut off. In my forties I obsessed with shoes, accessories and drinking fruity alcoholic bevs. Now after years of drinking have passed with husbands coming and going, raising a fine son, parents and beloved pets dying and most of my life lived, I’m wanting deeply to be done and just be kind and be real. The past decade experiencing a DUI, disorderly conduct, personal confrontations, loss of relationships, blackouts, the loss of a bra here and there and increasing negative effects of alcohol abuse to my health and safety showed me my throttle was being pushed to the floor and I was doing it.
I started exploring the idea of stopping about ten years ago and have attended a few AA meetings in past years, but I personally didn’t grasp what I needed from them. My route had to be knowledge, science and spiritual based of course...as I have always believed in a higher power. I listened to many audio books on alcohol abuse and basically worked the hell out of my willpower muscle that got tired and gave way repeatedly. I do not label myself or anyone else an alcoholic because for me it was never a craving for the liquid but rather for other things. So, I kept looking for a direction that what would work for me. This past year I discovered the writer Annie Grace. I listened to her audiobook, “This Naked Mind” and have found her method to be what has helped me stop wanting to drink. It’s basically changing how you feel about the alcohol itself. Remove the desire, and there is no temptation (Beliefs affect attitude, affect action). Learning to not like it came from experiencing pain and anguish repeatedly and from reading much on what drinking does to the body’s organs (Book: “Alcohol Explained,” by William Porter). At my age I know if I kept the pace, I’d have a stroke...and could not take care of my property or myself. Or I could blackout at the wheel and kill myself or someone else. Friends and loved ones were worrying about me and a large part of deciding to stop was the unfair stress and pain it caused them. It’s a fine time to be done and I know that like a toddler strengthening its legs to walk a person can become strong and successful with changing behavior.
Almost two months in, the benefits I have gained so far from not drinking are wonderful! I am sleeping soundly again, my stomach and intestines are not upset, I don’t have hangovers that ruin the next day, I never have to wonder what I said or did, I don’t fear the loss of my driving privileges, taking my life or someone else’s with reckless driving. My confused memory is restored, the brain fog is gone, the ringing in my ears has ended, eyesight is clearer, inflammation reduced, weight loss occurring, lowering of cholesterol, blood sugar and blood pressure. I know internally my liver, heart, brain and other organs are healing. My depression has ended, and my outlook is bright as I once again enjoy activities I had stopped doing. I also have more money in my wallet too. The hours spent at the bar are used for getting neglected tasks done at my property in Soudan. I am singing with a choir again, riding my electric bike, doing healthy cooking. Life is good.
Others may be able to manage drinking alcohol with limitation, but I get the big F.A.I.L award with that attempt, so quitting is best for me. On afternoons or evenings when I would go to happy hour at the local bar I instead drive past the colorful ditches of fireweed to the “Snack-Shack” (Y Store) and get a treat or go for a bike ride in nature, or visit with non-bar friends and I am very content. Remembering a verse on a card I got years ago with a sketch of a curly-haired girl sitting at the top of a slide humorously sums it up... “Life has ups and life has dips...at least we have potato chips.”
So now we are caught up. I’ll catch y’all again in August!